No · one · can · save · you · if · you · can't · be · found

I've been stuck in this co-dependent state of mind for as long as I can remember, its like I don't know what to do with myself with out someone attached to my hip. It makes absolutely no sense. If I don't have someone else to focus on or to make happy I feel like I have no purpose at all. Its beyond me how I got to this point in my life, but at least I am able to recognize it and hopefully begin the process to grow from it. I have at least given myself that shove over the cliff of self realization. Pushed away everything that meant something to me, so that I'm fully alone. Surrounded by people that have more to worry about than me and my problems. It sounds sad but its a good thing for me, I can't continue expecting people to keep picking me up when I fall. Its pathetic and people get tired of it because I fall so goddamn much. I must constantly be walking on the slippery sidewalk of life.

I don't even really know who Savannah Beebe is. I can't even imagine entering the labyrinth of my mind. I have come to the conclusion that the way I am with people is much like the antics of a magpie. Weird concept i know, but oddly true once I explain. A magpie will be drawn to something shiny or sparkly and then take it back and add it to their nest. Now in my situation, every time I meet someone and find something about them that intrigues me, I take it and make it a part of me, make it my own. So over about 15 years, beginning around the time I could start thinking correctly in a social situation, I have been borrowing, taking, and adding pieces onto myself from other people. How am I supposed to find me if I'm made up of a million different people in my head.

A set path would be nice, could someone just hand me a map with detailed instructions on how to get to the next step? Can I just skip all the bullshit, the pain, the crying, the insensitivity, the self doubt? I've hurt so many people along the way. Thats not me, I'm not one to bring people I love pain. They are my everything, my world, how do I always hurt them? I get so rash and impulsive and do what I want without thinking of consequences. Its odd because I used to always pride myself on being one that gave into emotions and went with my gut, I always figured it had good intentions. But it usually always ends up in an explosion and I shy away, the whole situation being so surreal to me I cant even understand it. Forgiving others easily could be a good or bad trait of mine, and I expect others to do the same, but slowly each day I come to the realization that its not that easy for everyone.

You'd think after ill the times I've been stepped on or fucked over, I wouldn't trust people or friends with much. But I tend to instantly trust someone right when I meet them. I'll tell them everything about my life, let them right into my heart and soul. How am I not like others and I dont build up these brick wall of hate and pain? This wall of protection that keeps lovers and friends out just because those one or two bad people might come along. I hate those walls. They seem so incredibly pointless to me, yes people will hurt you but in the end you cant let those people control your life and affect you so much that you will become a different person.

Been in love three times, so I've thought. The first one I can only explain as an introduction to intense emotion and infatuation. It was a huge learning experience for me on learning how to even have a relationship in general. It was necessary for the time to come, had to get the puppy love out of the way I suppose. The second love, oh man did I put up with much for that. I wont list it all because its unnecessary but that relationship opened my eyes to so many things, and though it may have been my worst it made me learn the most important lessons. Ultimately now after much drama, pain, and hurt I have become the strongest I have ever been because of that relationship. My most recent relationship I feel has been different than all the others. Its always been confusing and hard to read for me, but O can honestly say i was never happier in my life than I was then. I miss a memory so much it makes me cry myself to sleep every night.

Picking myself up and disappearing has been sounding ideal lately. Just forcing myself into a situation where I have to fend for myself and not worry about anyone. Worry about mundane tasks like how I am going to eat next or making ends meat for rent. I'm thinking something on the other end of the spectrum compared to California. My options so far have been Portland, Canada, or somewhere on the East coast. Portland and Canada I have family where I can settle my roots in, but East coast I only have friends. I'm not sure if i can do it, but it might be necessary for me to take the next step in discovery. Living in one place for my whole life hasnt been very beneficial to me.